By Therèse Havenga,
Every family has money rules: Save for a rainy day. Never arrive empty-handed. Family comes first. Debt is dangerous. Property is security. Work hard, but enjoy your money while you can.
The problem is that family members don’t always live by the same rules.
One person checks every till slip and worries when the grocery bill creeps up. Another lends money freely and believes money has little value if it can’t be enjoyed or used to help someone. Each may quietly think the other doesn’t respect money. But perhaps they simply define respect differently.
To the saver, respecting money means protecting it. To the giver, it means using it to care for people. To the entrepreneur, it may mean taking a calculated risk. To a young adult, it could mean using money to build freedom and new experiences.
We often describe these differences as “money personalities”, but they are more than preferences. Money can represent safety, dignity, independence, status, love or responsibility. When families disagree about money, they’re seldom arguing only about the amount. They’re defending what money means to them.
Those meanings take shape as we grow up. Children notice whether money is discussed calmly, avoided or surrounded by tension. Long before they understand its value, they understand its emotional tone.
In 2026, researchers Sheela Sundarasen, Kamilah Kamaludin and Izani Ibrahim reviewed 219 peer-reviewed studies on how families shape financial attitudes and behaviour. They found that children learn not only through what parents teach, but also through what they observe and the psychological, cultural and emotional context.
Children don’t always interpret financial behaviour as adults intend. A parent’s careful planning may feel like constant restriction, while generosity may look like an inability to say no.
Even siblings raised in the same home can develop opposing attitudes to money. Two children may grow up where money is tight. One becomes an adult who saves relentlessly because money in the bank creates safety. The other decides that life is uncertain and money should be enjoyed while it is available. The circumstances were shared. The emotional lesson wasn’t.
This is why financial judgement comes easily, while understanding takes effort. We see the behaviour, but not always the story beneath it. Understanding that story doesn’t excuse harmful choices. It helps identify the need driving the behaviour, which is often where meaningful change begins.
In South Africa, money rules are also shaped by culture, inequality, family structure and economic history. For many people, earning an income includes responsibility for extended family. One person may believe the responsible choice is to save for retirement and avoid becoming dependent later. Another may believe responsibility means meeting a relative’s urgent need today. Both are thinking about family, but from different time horizons.
Is saying no responsible boundary-setting, or does it mean forgetting those who supported you? Is generosity still generous if it compromises the giver’s future? When does helping preserve someone’s dignity, and when might it deepen dependence?
A spreadsheet cannot answer these questions. A financial plan that ignores family and culture may not survive real life. But love cannot make an unaffordable commitment sustainable. Respecting family and respecting financial limits must coexist.
The real damage begins when financial behaviour becomes a judgement about character, like “stingy” or “reckless”. Once people feel judged, honest conversation becomes almost impossible.
Before discussing the numbers, families should ask: What did money mean in the home where you grew up? Which financial behaviour makes you feel safe? What does generosity mean to you? When does helping become unsustainable? What do you believe money is ultimately for?
These questions reveal the real story.
Families don’t need identical money rules. But they must see the emotion behind the habit. Until we understand that, we are only talking numbers and missing the real story.
Therèse Havenga, Head of Business Transformation, Momentum Savings
